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September 2015

Getting Back to Your Mat After Your Whole World Falls Apart…

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I am going back to Yoga.

I took an unexpected break over the summer  – sorry about the lack of Blog posts 🙂 . On June 10th my mom, after having nothing more than a sore tummy, got diagnosed with Stage 4 Pancreatic Cancer that had metastasised to her liver – YIKES!!!

What happened after that is kind of a blur, I remember Dr’s appointments (lots of Dr. appointments), having to tell my dad that mom’s cancer was incurable, attending “Cancer Class” with my mom, cutting off all her hair because she was too weak to go to the salon, and a butt load of green smoothie deliveries, oh and trying to go to work every day.

Very long, emotional, and blurry story later, my mom passed away on August 14th after 9 weeks and 2 days of chaos and love. Her passing was at 10:30pm at Bowmanville hospital while I was playing “Cookie Jams’ on my phone and eating Cheezies! At which point I alerted the (very lovely and kind) nurses and called my husband, brother and dad (in that order I think!). Within what felt like seconds all three showed up, including my cousin and her fiancé (who had just left at 10pm). We ended up staying with my mom until 1:oo in the morning, telling stupid stories and sharing some gut busting laughs (I think the nurses thought we were nuts!!) and remembering the good times.

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My Mom <3

That was 4 weeks ago, what has happened since, has been another blur of love and support. My dad turned 70, an amazing service was held for my mom and we had  a charity garage sale in her honour!! What hasn’t happened was Yoga (at least not in public) I did keep up with a sporadic morning session to keep myself from completely losing my mind. But I steered clear of the studio. I could tell you it was because I was busy…. and that wouldn’t be a lie. But I know the real reason was fear….

I had heard what a rock I was throughout this ordeal and I really did try to do my best at dividing my time between being an advocate for my parents needs and losing my shit emotionally. However I knew deep down that on the yoga mat surrounded by the lovelies at PYC Oshawa I would not be able to keep it together at all. So I stayed away.

I will not beat myself up about this, because I just wasn’t able to handle it in that moment. What I refuse to let happen is for this to be an on-going excuse. I am attending my first class tonight – September 14th (no the fact that it is the one month anniversary is not lost on me). I chose a Jam class so that if things got messy it might not be so noticeable LOL and I will dive back in, let myself be supported and add yoga (in public) into my healing plan.

I received a lovely shout out from a beautiful soul all the way on the other side of the world with whom I did 40 Days to Personal Revolution, who was thanking me for being a part of what turned into a pivotal time in the transformation that she has been going through for the last two years. That was two days ago and I am taking that as a very sure sign that now is as good a time as any to get back to my yoga roots!!

I guess what I want to share is if life knocks you on your ass and yoga disappears from your life. Don’t let that be a blemish on your journey, respect that it wasn’t supposed to be a part of that chapter and when you are ready…come back. Don’t think you are out of practice or not deserving because you didn’t keep up with it when the going got tough. Appreciate that it is still there waiting for you and just go back.

I will update you shiny lovely people on how the class goes. Keep an eye on the blog!!!

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Me and My Mom at the CASBY Awards in T.O.

Sharing this picture of me and my Mom at the CASBY awards last year. Not the clearest picture, but a fantastic memory!!

Namaste,

Amber XO