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January 2012

Something’s Gotta Give

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I am in my second week of the 40 days program and I must say that I am really enjoying myself. In fact, I love this program so much that I’ve decided to take it on a seventh time. What’s not to love about this personal revolution though?! You get to do 6 days of yoga in a week, meditate every day, journal on your eating habits/patterns and go through some deep inquiry about your personal life…sounds pretty hardcore but totally doable right?!! Well, I must tell you that every time that I’ve participated, I’ve struggled with my meditation. I’ve constantly had to recommit to my meditation practice and realize just that….that it’s a practice! Well, I set out THIS time to really focus on that and it’s been going great. Here’s the kicker though….my asana practice is basically non-existent. My yoga practice that I love so much (my sanity!) has taken the back burner this time around and I’ve been making up excuses from ‘being tired’ to ‘having no time’ and simply just not wanting to hit my mat. What is it that I fear?

The very first time that I did this program I had been going through a difficult break-up. I resented meditation so much because it made me deal with the feelings that I had. I would immerse myself into my yoga practice so that I didn’t have to face anything else. Well now the tables have turned and there’s something on my mat to discover and I am resenting it. I am completely aware of this but yet I do nothing! If it’s not my meditation that’s lacking, it’s my diet or now…my practice. To really focus on one aspect of this program means I have to ignore some other components right? Something’s gotta give? Well….that’s the easy way out. The truth is, nothing has to be compromised. I can make time for my practice just as I’m doing for my meditation, my nourishment and my excavating questions. It’s a choice. If I want growth in my life, if I want to break the patterns that are clearly not working, I need to FULLY commit without judgement or guilt. I need to hit my mat 6 days a week and if I fall off the wagon…I get back on with more velocity, drive and heart. At our very first meeting I declared that I am letting go of my self saboteur and here she is….trying to take over control! She is so sneaky!! Well, I see her and I recommit to my declaration as well as my asana practice….which like I’ve said before…is indeed just that.

A Practice in (Im)Perfection

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There have been moments in my life (far too many moments to count) where I have chosen the idea of perfection, the “it’d better be perfect or I’m not going to do it at all” kind of attitude. As I reflect on my first week of 40 Days meditation I have to ask myself what a ‘perfect’ meditation means to me….
….I’m sitting in an empty, open air room with the sound of the sea nearby, I am wearing beautiful loose fitting clothes (of the Julia Roberts’ Eat, Pray, Love variety), with Kirtan playing softly in the background, my body is comfortable with stillness, my mind is at ease with silence and every now and then a sea breeze softly touches my cheek…..
But this is what any given day of meditation is really like…
….I’m sitting anywhere in my house that allows me to sit comfortably on the ground, I am likely in my flannel pjs or housecoat because it’s -15 outside, no Kirtan but likely the hum of an NHL game on the background of the next room, my back hurts and is screaming at me while my foot falls asleep, my mind is trying (and it’s trying hard) to create the next thing that needs to be done and every now and then a cat saunters along and head butts me to remind me that it’s still there…..
Ahhhhh, blissful ‘real life’ meditation. The kind that challenges and aggravates me but will, given the opportunity, set me free from the shackles of wanting to look good, needing to look like I have everything together and wanting (and needing) everything to perfect, including myself.
My meditation practice may not be a perfect practice but it’s mine and I will keep sitting down, in silence, to take it on one minute and one breath at a time. Today I recommit to myself, and to my meditation practice, and to the possibility of being blissfully imperfect and being perfectly okay with it!

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